I loathe the mid-dawn daze

Standing Alone

I swear...

to never let anyone look down on me, or make them feel like I owe them something. I hate not being in control of my own things and depending on other people. 

I hate hate hate not being in control. I promised to myself that this blog site won't be use to vent, but this will be an exception. 

I want to get better, so i don't have to lean on anyone, so i don't have to be vulnerable, so i don't have to feel incompetent.

It's my fault. I let myself to depend on others and grew comfortable, but i failed to realize depending on anyone for so long burdens a relationship. 

I want to grow stronger.

Rise and Face the World

Early in the morning, Late at night

so i haven't written anything in a while...

much to the protest of my faithful "follower(s)"

I love the fresh smell of dawn, desperate wait for the sunrise, and soul cleansing cold dews just about to drop and evaporate in another day of bay area fog. But especially, i like the complete solitude. This chance of still time, where everything exists just for me and no one else. This is when I concentrate the best and work with incredible efficiency. For me this is when my history will be made. I no longer fear the consequence of this late night/early morning working hour; awful onsets of headaches either from fading away energy drink effects or sleep deprivation or complete inability to stay awake through boring lectures. 

For that, i want to get up earlier more or go to bed really really late. I sure will miss my sleep though, but for all this plus Queena's funny snoring sounds and her sleep talking mixed in with her quirky laughs...I will enjoy my date with the silence in the darkness. 

The christian song, "early in the morning, late at night" comes to my mind. It just shows how God is ALWAYS there with you every morning, even when everyone is asleep.

I will be the shining light in the darkness. Just as my lamp keeps me up, I will keep you up through life.

May God truly bless you all.

Average

Life is insanely average.

We live everyday through countless pain and sufferings, only to look forward to a split second of bliss. That microsecond of happiness feels so great that we endure through life.

In the end, the greatness in short amount of time and little agonies of our lives make the whole experience...average...medium...

maybe that's why people incessantly chase after money and fame...just so that they can make their lives above average, but in the end the process of those pursuits evens out their outcomes...if there are any...

I'm trying to think why we are so predestined to be unhappy in this world without any divine interventions. I don't think anything physical in this life will make my life better than average. I think that's because this world belongs to Satan (according to the bible). Everything that belongs to him, anything in this world, is bound to fail me at some point. Whether it be owning an exotic sports car that every kid has a poster of in their room or owning a most prestigious sports club. At some point, materials will fail you and disappoint you. Even your family, they will disappoint you and let you down (of course, less frequently than others might) .

Maybe that's why people need religion and that's why people turn to religion through when the world fails. God will stick by with you and will be patiently waiting for you, for you to come back. God will not fail you nor disappoint you. He already has this plan for you in this world and only with Him you will have above average life. For that I turn to him for the guidance and I hope to

Live a Life that is above Average

Live Life

New year, new age, new everything... I leave Dallas, Tx with a new life. This year i resolved to live life. I want to live my life without any regrets, to its fullest potentials. I want to inspire people with my life.

I start this journal to help me keep this momentum and hope that others around me be inspired with this journal. I hope to capture the smallest details of my life and see that life is not all about extravagance. I want to appreciate life, its fleeting moments and not get caught up with the destination of this long journey. Little babies' quintessential smile, calming night decorated with star glitters, blushing sky with sunset and sunrise...I want to stop my time to just look around and soak everything in with my body.

I hate the concept of time. I want immortality; i want continuity and consistency; i want infinity. I am not complaining about time because i got one year older or because I am going through a mid life crisis. I hate time because things change over time. Nothing is a constant. Entropy is used  to measure the randomness of the system, the universe that we live in. By definition, something must change and be random. While the whole universe remains constant, its components change. Somewhere in the universe, God is enjoying his stability while we struggle to adapt to our time. It doesn't seem fair, but i guess one day we shall enjoy the same privilege with the inevitable end and the following life with infinity. If life does not have time, alpha or omega, can we even call it a life?

While I have this chance to live life, because God said you only get on chance at this life, I want to capture every breath that I take. I want to gaze at the perfect system, everything must be right on for its own existence. This universe is an autonomous entity, a self-sustaining creature, a fascinating equation that you plug in your own individual values and inputs to get your own customized answers. What would be my answer? what values should I plug in? I dare attempt to solve this equation rather than challenging its integrity like i have been doing. I am ready to taste the deliciousness of life.

So... I pray that...YOU and I will, individually or collectively,

Live Life.